In the Dark

I've learned that true depression makes no sense.

I grew up under the tutelage of parents with very archaic ideas about depression. According to my mother, depression is brought on by unhappiness. In other words, there must be a reason for a person to feel depressed.

But there is no reason for the way I feel.

Two halves of my brain are warring against each other. Literally, that's how it feels--like nails on a chalkboard...like pots and pans falling down stairs.

I want to be happy. I want to come home at the end of the day, coddle my cats, and appreciate my husband's attentions. I want to have a conversation that ends with a pun and a laugh. But darkness has fallen over my mind.

I want to have a baby, but I don't know if I should keep trying right now. How would I cope if I failed? Or worse, what if I succeed, only to fall deeper into darkness?