tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-90249639064689467742024-03-05T11:56:12.415-05:00Penitus TemplumWelcome to my inner sanctum, where I share my thoughts and experiences in my efforts to find happiness in this life.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12176254886383532172noreply@blogger.comBlogger133125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9024963906468946774.post-74586182559706763572012-10-08T10:29:00.000-04:002012-10-08T10:29:57.862-04:00On [Not] Keeping ScoreNot too long ago, I had this really bad habit of keeping score. Here's what I mean. In my head I kept a running list of all the stressful events that had occurred in my life over the past five years or so. It was a breathtaking list, too, that involved moving out of state twice, dealing with a major death in the family, buying a house and undergoing therapy for nerve pain. Anytime anyone asked about my life or my stress level, they got a full rundown of the list. In detail.<br />
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Surely no one else had endured so much stress in such a small space of time. It was almost like a competition: look how crazy <i>my</i> life is! Or maybe, I hesitate to admit, it was a plea for sympathy or attention.<br />
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I used the list to justify bad attitudes and reactions to stress. I used it to assure myself that I was doing ok...under the circumstances. I used it as a cosmic scorecard. <i>Ok, I've had my fill of stress now. Time for a break. </i><br />
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Then I miscarried. I started to add the event to the list. And then, I started thinking: <i>Why am I even keeping this list? </i><br />
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Why don't I have a corresponding list in my head of great memories I've made over the past 5 years?<br />
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Why don't I tell people about all the cute stuff William has said and done?<br />
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Why can't I remember half the cute stuff he's said and done??<br />
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Why am I always complaining and painting a tragic picture of my life?<br />
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See, right after the miscarriage, I had a dream. One of those realistic dreams that wake you up from sleep. In this dream, I was wearing my wedding dress at some kind of event. Calvin was in a suit. And we were spinning across the floor, dancing and laughing. Carefree. Obviously deeply in love.<br />
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I was watching myself from the sidelines. Watching that young woman I was with the glowing eyes and beaming smile. She looked at me as she whirled by, so young, so beautiful. She said something to me as she passed. I'm not sure what it was. But I think it may have been, "Look at what you have."<br />
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So I did. And I discovered something. I have so much. Not just food on the table or cars in the driveway. I have the love of my life right here with me. I have a wonderful child with this man. I have a heart that's full of love and peace. Enduring a parade of stressful situations has been worth every minute I get to spend with these people I adore. I have no reason to keep score.<br />
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So I'm throwing away the scorecard. No more complaining. No more dwelling on the past. I need room in my head for all the great memories we're making. Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12176254886383532172noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9024963906468946774.post-27550865878330825052012-10-06T13:37:00.000-04:002012-10-06T13:38:29.155-04:00New BlogI know I've been a little lax about keeping up with this blog in the past, but this week I followed my heart and started a Bible blog. I put it up on Wordpress, and it's called Revolutionary Faith. If you wish to read it, visit <a href="http://revolfaith.com/">http://revolfaith.com</a>.<br />
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Right now, I'm in the middle of posting about my faith experience. However, I'll still be posting stuff here about my personal thoughts. I have a post in mind that I'd like to write soon. This blog is well over three years old now, and I don't have plans to abandon it anytime soon. :-)<br />
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Thanks for reading!Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12176254886383532172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9024963906468946774.post-28464352387533601452012-10-03T14:40:00.000-04:002012-10-04T00:19:08.760-04:00Finding the Value within MyselfIt's been two weeks since the loss of my pregnancy, and I think I may be finally coming to terms with it. Of course, that has involved a lot of gardening...and writing...and jewelry making. Anything that isn't crying. Not that I haven't cried. I have.<br />
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It's not just that I wanted this child and lost him. It's all the other emotions that come with it. I had to adjust to the whole idea of becoming a mother again after deciding I wouldn't. Plans to get a job were interrupted, rearranged. William and I talked about the baby, especially when my belly started to grow. I had just bought maternity clothes, had just got over the persistent morning sickness. The baby's heartbeat was strong at 10 weeks. My big ultrasound to confirm the gender was only three weeks away. I expected to feel the kicks at any moment. And then I go to the doctor to find out that the baby had been dead since week 13. Now I'm back to square one, unsure of how I will move forward. My mother-in-law calls it "emotional whiplash."<br />
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I think that description is quite apt.<br />
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It's amazing the kind of clarity that can come out of these situations. For instance, working as a way to cope with my pain has shown me exactly how much I am still capable of doing. Being stuck in the hamster wheel of housewifery for the past three years had made me think I had lost the energy, creativity and initiative that I possessed in college. Now I know that it's still inside of me.<br />
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I think it's very difficult for young women to realize the full extent of their value. Society says women are basically useless unless they're bringing home a paycheck. The problem is, even when we are bringing home a paycheck, our work isn't as appreciated. Women still earn 77 cents for every dollar earned by a man. And for those of us who stay home to raise our kids, the enormity and (sometimes) drudgery of what we do is overlooked. "Oh, well YOU didn't have to battle morning traffic, or sit through a boring meeting, or miss lunch because an overbearing client was breathing down your neck," husbands will say. No, but I spent the day wiping up urine and puke, wrestled a cranky toddler, and ate a sandwich that had fallen on the floor. Sitting through a boring meeting sounds like heaven. Do you get to pee there without someone watching you, too??<br />
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So how do I cope? I find the value within myself.<br />
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And that's hard to do when people's expectations of what you should be doing are numerous and unrealistic. Breastfeed until your child is 3. Socialize this many times per week. Cook breakfast for your husband (or you don't really love him). Iron his underwear. Shine his boots. Don't let your child cry, ever. Use that degree you earned. Work off that belly fat. No VOCs. No GMOs. Organic only. Co-sleep. Don't co-sleep. Use only rear-facing carseats. And for heaven's sake, no more than an hour of TV per day. Really, WHAT do you do all day? <br />
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I could go on. But here's the thing: life is more than living up to arbitrary standards of perfection. And that's a HUGE admission coming from a self-proclaimed perfectionist. Just because I'm a wife and a mother doesn't mean I stop having my own dreams and goals. I need to learn, to try new things and fail at them, to be a human being. It's through exercising my talents and pursuing the unique opportunities available to me that I find a life worth living. In that regard, I'm no different from a man. My child is not going to remember in 10 years whether he ate homemade baby food or not. And he's not going to feel less loved because I bought him Gerber peas instead of growing my own in the backyard. What he will remember is the time we spent together. And whether I was a happy, secure, fulfilled individual or not.<br />
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I feel like I've hit a major milestone with this epiphany. I have value within myself that's not defined by a paycheck or a pat on the back. What I do matters to me, and that's what ultimately matters to those who love and depend on me. Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12176254886383532172noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9024963906468946774.post-40922847893831771652012-09-19T17:02:00.001-04:002012-09-19T17:16:50.014-04:00LossIt wasn't supposed to happen. I was past the critical first semester. But it happened anyway. I lost my baby.<br />
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I shouldn't be writing this. I just came from the doctor two hours ago, and the pain is...raw. Unreal. But I have to talk about it.<br />
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I would have been 17 weeks this week. When I went in for my check-up at 10 weeks, the baby's movements and heartbeat were strong. Today, the nurse couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. She thought maybe he was moving around too much for the fetal monitor. So she brought in the little ultrasound machine. But the baby wasn't moving. And she still couldn't find the heartbeat.<br />
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She called for the doctor to be sure. He looked for a long time. Took measurements. He told me the baby was only measuring 12 and a half weeks. Somewhere on the way to 13 weeks, the baby simply stopped growing. Perhaps a chromosome didn't develop correctly, but that was only speculation. There was no way to say for sure what happened. But my baby was gone.<br />
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I cried a lot. Wailed. I didn't mean to. But the news hurt a lot more than I thought it would.<br />
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I know I have to take this one day at a time. But I can't see how I will move past it yet. I'll eventually have to tell all my friends, family and neighbors that there will be no new baby in February. And I'll have to have the tiny body removed from my womb.<br />
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Right now, I'm just shattered. Staring at all the little pieces of myself and wondering how I will pick them up yet again. Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12176254886383532172noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9024963906468946774.post-13741332167910204562012-09-18T12:28:00.001-04:002012-09-18T12:28:57.820-04:00Catch-upSince I've been out of the loop for a while, I should update everyone on what's been going on in my life for the past few months.<br />
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My husband and I recently celebrated 5 years of marriage and, really, things couldn't be better in that regard. We worked through the baby blues and finally reconnected on a very tender level. Reading over my past entries recently, I've realized that we've both matured a great deal over the past couple of years and have settled down to family life. My husband, while still pretty much agnostic, is now very supportive of my Christian faith and willingly attends church with me, even though he knows he doesn't have to.<br />
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A few months ago, my depression got really bad, so I finally broke down and asked for help. I saw a counselor for a few weeks and went to a psychiatrist for meds. Shortly after that, I found out I was pregnant. Now I'm not on any meds, but my depression appears to be well under control. Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones??<br />
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It helps that this pregnancy is going much better than my previous one. I'm about 15 weeks along now and haven't been physically sick in well over a week. I've been able to eat and gain weight normally, and haven't needed any trips to the ER to get rehydrated. It's been really nice. The only real complaint I have is occasional, excruciating back pain.<br />
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The one dark cloud in all of this is the situation with my parents. After thirty years of marriage, my mom asked my dad for a divorce. And she's well within her rights to do so. One thing I haven't talked about on this blog concerns what's been going on with them for the past couple of years. Just before William's first Christmas, my dad confessed that he had been unfaithful. And not just a little unfaithful, either. He had been involved in some pretty sick stuff. Turns out he's been a life-long sex addict. The whole family was just devastated--myself included. I fell into a very dark depression, went through the five stages of grief, and then told my dad if he wanted anything to do with my family in the future, he would go to counseling. And he did. He graduated from a 12-step program a couple of months ago.<br />
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My mom has been working this whole time on trying to forgive him. She's gone to counseling as well, read books on sex addiction, and has taken vacations with my dad to try to rekindle their marriage. But nothing has really worked for her. Her trust has been shaken too deeply. And Dad's been showing signs of falling off the wagon.<br />
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Now she's trying to figure out how to take the next step. Divorce means she will have to sell her house (which she adores), split any assets with my dad, and try to make it on her own. She won't stay in Tennessee; she wants to move closer to me. Which is fine by me. I'd love to have her spend some time with her grandkids.<br />
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As for me, I'm dealing with it ok. I'm disappointed that things couldn't work out for them, but I don't want Mom to stay in such a bad situation. I'm sure it will hit me a little harder later. It's hard to believe things have come to this.<br />
<br />Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12176254886383532172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9024963906468946774.post-2045145150572368802012-09-16T18:03:00.000-04:002012-09-16T18:03:52.466-04:00Life OverwhelmingI haven't forgotten about my blog. I think about it once in a while: "You know, I really should post something." And then I think of a dozen other things that need doing and put it off yet again.<br />
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You moms that have multiple kids: I don't know how you keep up with your blogs.<br />
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I logged on and realized I hadn't posted anything since February. Which is good, because I was thinking it had been a year. Go me!<br />
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William is now two and a half. And I'm 15 weeks pregnant with his sibling. My husband and I weren't going to have any more kids. But things just happen sometimes.<br />
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My husband (Calvin) now works about 90 hours a week. He's rarely home, and that's hard for me. Especially since William needs a strong male figure around. Calvin tries to spend good quality time with Will, but he often comes home to a lawn that needs mowing, cars that need washing, walls that need painting, and a half-dozen other chores that I can't do on my own.<br />
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I mowed the backyard last week after my morning sickness had subsided just a couple of days before, and I shouldn't have. My nerve pain got all flared up, and it took me two days to recover.<br />
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My feelings about the new baby are mixed. On the one hand, I really am excited. William is such a sweet boy; I think he will enjoy having a sibling. On the other hand, raising two little ones on Calvin's insane work schedule won't be easy. I can deal well enough with taking William with me on errands, but I don't think I'll be able to do it with two. I know other moms do, so I guess I'll just have to figure it out.<br />
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I really, really want my husband around more. This schedule is killing us. Calvin often comes home so exhausted that he spends half of his first day off sleeping. Thankfully, we just have to put up with it until February 2014--because that's when his contract with the Navy expires. Go Navy. Go away! Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12176254886383532172noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9024963906468946774.post-840497692653263612012-02-18T15:33:00.000-05:002012-02-18T15:33:57.798-05:00UnwellAt this point, some of you are probably thinking I've entirely abandoned this blog. Well, not quite. I'm still here. Just not in the best frame of mind.<br />
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I don't know what's happening to me. In the past 3 to 6 months, my mental health has declined sharply. I've struggled to write, struggled fall asleep, struggled to get out of bed, struggled to concentrate, struggled to even buy groceries and feed myself. Sometimes it literally feels as if someone is driving a wedge between the two halves of my brain. Sometimes it feels like I'm hanging from a thread.<br />
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I decided a couple of weeks ago to seek professional help again. I had my first appointment with a counselor on Wednesday. I was looking forward to the appointment thinking that I would feel some measure of relief afterward. Apparently, I can't be that lucky. It was brutal, and I've felt emotionally raw ever since.<br />
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Yet, I realized some very important things from that session. First of all, I've neglected my mental and emotional health for far too long. I'm seeking help for issues now that I should have sought help for years ago. Second, there are some issues I thought I had laid to rest that are still bothering me deep down. Maybe this time I can finally move past them. I promise to keep you posted.<br />
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Thanks for hanging in there with me, dear readers.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12176254886383532172noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9024963906468946774.post-68417197128689315642011-12-13T23:57:00.001-05:002011-12-14T00:02:22.498-05:00ConflictedTonight I heard some terrible news: a guy from my church who was serving with the Marines in Afghanistan was injured by a roadside IED. He lost both legs and a hand. He may not survive. I know this guy personally. We attended church together for years. When I heard the news, I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me.<br />
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Right now, many of my friends on Facebook are circulating the story, asking for prayers for his recovery. They're saying nice things about him, like how he was a nice guy and a hero. I should probably be doing the same. But I can't. I certainly hope he can recover, or maybe find peace in death if that would be better for him. But I can't, in good conscience, say things I don't mean.<br />
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Certainly, with my husband serving in the military, I consider this man to be a brother in arms, and I respect his service and sacrifice greatly. But I never thought he was a nice guy. He's not someone I would normally look up to as a personal hero.<br />
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On a personal level, we couldn't be more different. I remember when we attended the same college cell group at church. At one of these meetings, we had an outdoor party where we played volleyball and other games. This guy (we'll call him Chris) was all over the place. He took the games far too seriously, getting angry and berating people when he thought others weren't playing their hardest. When we didn't keep score, he got frustrated and stormed off. He was also vain, always showing off his muscles, his car, and his gorgeous girlfriend of the week. Having to put up with him was highly irritating to me.<br />
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He also had a bit of a run-in with my brother a few years ago and more recently poked fun at my sister-in-law for marrying him. To be perfectly honest, Chris could be a real jerk to the people he didn't care about. He did try hard at times to be a good Christian, which I respect. But I never had a positive impression of him. I wish I could admit this openly to my friends, but I don't think it would be appreciated right now.<br />
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In truth, this is my grieving process. What happened to Chris is unimaginably horrible. No matter my personal feelings about him, he did not deserve to be injured or lose nearly half his body. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Not on anyone. It kills me to think that this young man who was once so athletic and passionate about sports will probably never walk again--if he even survives the next 48 hours. The news report said he also sustained injuries to his pelvis. That means he may never father children or even be able to have sex again. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. Having a husband and family is the greatest joy of my life. I can't imagine the pain of someone missing out on that opportunity.<br />
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I hate this war. I hate it with every fiber of my being. I hate what it's doing to my generation and my country. I hate that it turns healthy young men into paraplegics. I hate that it takes parents away from their children. I seethe every time I read another story of a young woman losing her husband or lover to this conflict. It needs to end now. Don't preach to me about military objectives or democracy in the Middle East. Don't talk about terrorism and the need for national security. No security is worth this price. There are other ways. We need to find them.<br />
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This is my message: Not everyone serving in the military is a wonderful, likable person. Some service members are jerks. Some are racists. Some are alcoholics, gamblers, misogynists and cold-hearted cynics. Not everyone in the military joined out of patriotism. Some of them would get out of the service tomorrow if they could. But what they sacrifice on the battlefield is still just as real and as painful as the noble ones who are in it for all the right reasons. In that way, Chris IS a hero and worthy of all the appreciation his country can bestow upon him. I just wish our country didn't make heroes in this manner.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12176254886383532172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9024963906468946774.post-59211199404636282722011-11-07T14:19:00.001-05:002011-11-07T14:20:01.259-05:00A Lull in the MusicHello, my dear readers. It's been a while since I've written. I've been extremely busy writing for my new client, who has put together a website on economics. I've been writing lots of articles on Adam Smith, Karl Marx, and economic theories of all kinds. I feel like I could publish my own textbook at this point.<br />
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Lots going on in the world, too. Occupy Wall Street. Wow. This is the kind of stuff I dreamed about years ago. I just wasn't sure if I'd ever see it. Oh, and in case there's any question, I absolutely 100% support these protests. If I didn't have a child and a husband to care for, I'd be right out in the streets with the protesters, sporting my own array of placards. The corruption in our government and financial institutions has simply reached a level beyond belief, and it needs to change.<br />
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Also, I just found out that a friend of mine from high school is in cult recovery. She joined a Christian discipleship program that everyone thought was legit, but it turns out the program indulges in a great deal of physical and spiritual abuse. I couldn't help but feel appalled at the situation. I get outraged when I hear of someone corrupting the gospel that I love so much. This friend of mine is a wonderful person, too, and did not at all deserve to go through that. Shame! Shame and fie!<br />
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At times like this, I feel like I should do something to get my voice out there and speak against the world's abuses. But what? I've thought of perhaps starting another blog or writing some articles, but I haven't really been focused enough to do it. On top of everything, I've been ill. A couple of weeks ago, I was having some tests done to investigate a medical problem I've been having. Then I had to go to the ER yesterday and found out I have an infection and early signs of pneumonia. So I've been sitting around for the past week watching my house deteriorate into a hazmat zone while hacking up a lung or two.<br />
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Better yet, in two weeks my entire family will be arriving at my house for Thanksgiving. Oh, joy!Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12176254886383532172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9024963906468946774.post-46631761749166006752011-09-10T01:23:00.000-04:002011-09-10T01:25:03.693-04:00TransformedWow, what a month. My brother arrived, and life suddenly took on a whirlwind rush. Bedtime came after 11 p.m. almost every night, and then I got up early every morning to feed William breakfast. During all this, I started writing on another website for a client, and William started cutting his last four teeth--morphing from a happy, lovable little Jekyll to a monstrous, destructive Hyde. Good times, good times.<br />
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At least I have some comfort. I started reading a terrific book called <i>The Case for Christ </i>by Lee Strobel. It's a book that investigates the validity of the biblical New Testament through interviews with top New Testament scholars and other experts. Some of the insights are simply profound and have encouraged my faith in a big way. I think all Christians and skeptics should read it.<br />
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I also have more inner peace than usual. Not long ago, I wrote a devotional that spoke of the Bible's description of the secular world. The Bible points out five basic characteristics of the world: (1) lust and pride, (2) immorality, (3) materialism, (4) division, envy and strife, and (5) a lack of compassion. That got me thinking about lust. Lust has been one of my biggest problems for years. Whenever I wanted to escape reality, I'd just fantasize about having an encounter with someone--who was not usually my husband. I felt guilty about it, but it was easy for a long time to just write it off as harmless imagination.<br />
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But it wasn't harmless. It was dishonoring my marriage. It was tempting me to cheat on my husband. It was making me feel anxious and on edge. However, after I wrote that devotional, something clicked inside of me. I suddenly didn't want to fantasize about other people anymore. Whenever my thoughts began to stray in the wrong direction, I stopped them. My love for my husband began to deepen further, and my anxiety vanished. I decided that my desire should be for my husband only. After all, isn't that what is marriage about?<br />
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There are other things I'm meditating on as well. Materialism. Lack of compassion. Is that really me? I spend a lot of time thinking about things I want or might eventually have when I already have so much and give very little of it away.<br />
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The Bible says, "Do not conform to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." Not transformed by a simple repeat-after-me prayer. Not transformed by a song and dance. Not transformed by wearing the "right" clothes, saying the "right" things or shouting "Amen!" every other breath. Transformed by thinking differently about the world. Wow. How often does that come up in church? <br />
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<br />Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12176254886383532172noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9024963906468946774.post-81295408741975750702011-08-06T14:31:00.003-04:002011-08-06T15:03:06.947-04:00RevelationsTwo days ago, my husband and I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary. I use the term "celebrated" loosely because not only did we stay home, we also spent half the day cleaning the house. My brother's family is in the process of relocating to Ft. Meade, Maryland, so that means they're staying with us in Virginia until they can find an apartment up there. Since they arrived last night--about three days earlier than originally planned--that meant cleaning could not be put off. Plus, we were unable to find a babysitter for our son, and he's still several years too young to do certain things--like sit through a three-hour Harry Potter film at the theater.<br /><br />But our anniversary was nice in another way. My husband had taken leave from work, so we got to spend the day together. And after we went to bed that night, we stayed up late just talking. It was then that I discovered just why I married my husband.<br /><br />You see, when I was younger, I never thought I'd find someone like me. I was always the outsider--the kid who wanted to belong but never quite did. My childhood "friends" were often quick to turn on me, take advantage of me, talk behind my back, or leave me out of the juiciest discussions. They repulsed my intellect, calling me "goody two shoes" and "teacher's pet," often to my face. It didn't help that my mom actually taught at my school for a while. Looking back now, it's a wonder I didn't grow up to absolutely hate people.<br /><br />My husband had an identical experience. If he was teased as much as I was, he hasn't said. But the similarities are striking: on the fringe of every group, only one or two close friends, related better to adults than his peer group, etc. When we found each other, we were lonely and looking for something different--someone who understood us. I was still painfully awkward then, but at least he was able to see past that, unlike so many others. Does he understand me completely? No, and he'll admit it anytime. However, I think what pulls us together is what we see in each other that's so similar to what we each see in ourselves. Call it a crutch. We'll happily hobble along together a little while longer. <br /><br />Thanks for reading.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12176254886383532172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9024963906468946774.post-74579546682215353452011-07-25T12:19:00.003-04:002011-07-25T12:36:08.108-04:00A Preoccupation with DeathSo, it's been a while since I have posted anything on here. I've been extremely busy with my writing elsewhere, family visiting, and an unexpected job interview. That's right: in just a few weeks, I may be working full-time. Although that means shopping for a daycare center for my son, I'm really excited.<br /><br />Unfortunately, I've been thinking often about death--my death, my husband's, and my son's. I still worry sometimes that my son will go to sleep and never wake up. I'm scared that an officer will show up at my door one day to say that my husband was involved in an accident and he's not coming home. And then I think that I'll discover I'm chronically ill and pass away at a young age. These scenarios play in my head at a rather disturbing rate sometimes.<br /><br />Could it be I'm really afraid of death? I don't normally think I am. Sometimes I think death would be welcome: no worries, no tragedies, just peace. I'd no longer care about the world and its troubles. I wouldn't concern myself with my son growing up in a toxic, financially unstable world. My brain would finally be switched off. <span style="font-style: italic;">Finally</span>.<br /><br />But I know I don't want that yet, tempting as it is sometimes. I believe I have more to do--that my role to play in this world isn't finished. If anything, I'd like to make this world a better place for my son, if that is possible. Despite my morbid preoccupation, I have decided to let events run their course and not worry anymore. Whatever comes, I hope I will be prepared.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12176254886383532172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9024963906468946774.post-49851406473234198212011-06-17T22:47:00.004-04:002011-06-20T13:21:40.267-04:00Tough WeekThis week has not been easy for me emotionally. I've been thinking quite a bit lately about my past, specifically my childhood and my experiences with my family. What started me thinking is that my mom is coming visit me in VA. I love my mother dearly and am looking forward in a big way to seeing her, but being around her tends to make me anxious. My mom has a habit of asking direct and pointed questions, the answers to which lead her to make suggestions that she expects to be followed. I'm a relatively structured and disciplined person, but my mother is at an entirely different level, and she has trouble understanding why I can't think and function as she does. My shortcomings in that way result partly from personality and partly from my battle with depression. Going about things slowly and approaching life in a more laid-back fashion is how I manage my stress. Otherwise, my head might explode.<br /><br />There's another reason I'm feeling irked: my dad's birthday and Father's Day are both approaching, and as I discovered today, my feelings toward my father are not favorable at the moment. You may remember, dear readers, that just before last Christmas, a family crisis arose involving my parents. Well, certain actions of my dad's caused that crisis, and as I stood in Target trying to pick out a Father's Day card, I realized I am still angry at him. The hurt is so deep that I almost can't think of him as my father. I know in the past I have talked on this blog about how much I love my dad and how he cared about me and protected me growing up, but I feel like some of that was a form of denial. I stood in Target today sorting through cards that said, "You're the greatest dad ever!" and "Because of you, my life is amazing!", and I wanted to scream and walk away. None of it was true, and I couldn't in good conscience even buy a card that read, "I love you very much." Don't get me wrong: I still love my dad. But I'm so twisted and frustrated inside that I can't even lie to him for my own sake.<br /><br />I hate feeling this way. It's so damn awkward and infuriating. I love him, but I hate him. When I hug him, part of me means it and part of me doesn't. Part of me wants to forgive and forget, but part of me can't get past the pain. It's very possible our relationship will always be this way. So, once you accept that something may never be normal, how do you proceed with it? I need to figure that out.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12176254886383532172noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9024963906468946774.post-69318620284804455792011-06-17T17:42:00.003-04:002011-06-17T17:45:05.096-04:00More Nutritional/Dieting InformationI wrote an article today about sneaky calories--the kind people tend to forget to count when trying to maintain their weight. Read all about it <a href="http://www.suite101.com/content/calories-that-are-sneaking-into-your-diet-a376003">here.</a><br /><br />Thanks for reading!Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12176254886383532172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9024963906468946774.post-39425055524375241282011-06-14T10:52:00.004-04:002011-06-14T12:09:38.962-04:00A Woman's Worth (Bible Style)*I originally wrote this as a note on my Facebook page. Thought I would share it here as well.<br /><br />These days, it seems people are critical of religion in general and of the Bible in particular. Many argue that God, if He indeed exists, cannot possibly be a moral entity because of certain things that were or are permitted in Christianity. One of these things is the subjugation of women. In Biblical times, women were treated almost as property, only allowed to marry and travel with a man's permission. Women were also excluded from priesthood, barred from receiving a formal education from temple rabbis, and forbidden to speak publicly during religious meetings. Today, many religious fundamentalists use scripture as an excuse to degrade women, excluding them from ministry and relegating them only to certain roles in society. Therefore, some reason, it would be better for women if such religion disappeared altogether. <br /><br />But is the way secular society views and treats women any better?<br /><br />I recently watched a roast of a famous actor on Comedy Central. (For those of you over 50, a "roast" is a stand-up comedy act that mercilessly mocks the guest of honor.) One of the comedians on the roast panel was Pamela Anderson, an actress made famous by <em>Playboy Magazine </em>and the show <em>Baywatch</em>. It's no secret that Ms. Anderson's career has been entirely built on her sex appeal. She was cast in <em>Baywatch</em> not because of skillful acting, but because of her voluptuous body. And the other comedians on the roast panel were quick to point this out. Repeatedly. While the men leered at her hungrily and made numerous sexual innuendos, they insulted the quality of her character and decisions, portraying her as a loose woman with no standards and no value beyond her looks. What's sad is that even as some of these "jokes" obviously stung her, Ms. Anderson continued to play right along, keeping up the stereotype. After all, society has told her this is the only way women like her will be successful.<br /><br />The same is true for thousands of others. Models starve themselves to be on the covers of magazines, because normal-sized women aren't allowed in advertising. Actresses who gain more than a pound end up with their "shocking weight gain" photos plastered inside tabloids. Entire magazine issues are devoted to discussing who has the best bikini body and how every other woman can get one, too. Physical beauty is constantly praised in advertisement, while true intellect and integrity go almost completely unmentioned.<br /><br />The only other option for gaining respect in a secular society is for women to have careers. It's no longer enough for women to raise successful families or to serve their husbands, or even to work as secretaries and librarians. These days, women are expected to make significant contributions to the workforce, even if that means delegating familial responsibilities to outsiders. Women who choose to be stay-at-home mothers or who work in "soft," "low-level" jobs are often seen as failing to reach their full potential.<br /><br />So how is the Biblical view of women better?<br /><br />Through the Bible, God shows us that woman are unique, possessing great power and influence, and having value far beyond looks or aspirations. The best example can be found in Proverbs 31, a chapter that celebrates the value of a good woman:<br /><br /><em>A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.</em><br /><br />The Bible says a noble woman "works with eager hands," "provides food for her family," "watches over the affairs of her household," is strong, compassionate and generous, wise, and dignified. No voluptuous curves or pouty lips here. The woman described in Proverbs 31 is a skilled and efficient manager, a bold and confident decision-maker, an intelligent strategist, a shrewd businesswoman, and a great philanthropist.<br /><br />What about the Biblical subjugation of women? Well, it's true that the Bible teaches women to "submit to your husbands...in everything" (Ephesians 5:22-24). But in the same breath it commands men to "love your wives just as Christ loved the church" (verses 25-33). How much did Christ love the church?<br /><br />1. He laid down his life to redeem it.<br /><br />2. He provided healing, instruction, and guidance for it.<br /><br />3. He became an advocate for it (1 John 2:1).<br /><br />4. He promised to provide for it and reward it.<br /><br />5. He promised to protect it (Matthew 16:18).<br /><br />Women may have been forbidden to speak in church or receive formal education from rabbis, but husbands were expected to answer their wives' questions regarding religious matters at home (1 Corinthians 14:35). They were not to be kept in ignorance. Even Jesus taught women (Luke 10:38-42). The Bible also commands men to not be harsh with their wives (Colossians 3:19). And 1 Corinthians 13 provides further details on love:<br /><br /><em>Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.</em><br /><br />So while women may be required to love, respect, and submit to their husbands, men are expected in turn to guide, protect, educate, heal, reward, forgive, provide for, sacrifice for and exercise patience toward their wives--hardly the one-way street many perceive it to be. Men who abuse their God-given leadership to oppress and mistreat women will no doubt face harsh judgment.<br /><br />The Bible also illustrates the power that women possess. Sin entered the world through a woman. So did Christ. A noble woman brings honor to her husband and household, while a nagging one makes life unbearable (Proverbs 21:9, 19). Wealthy women financially supported the ministry of Christ. A woman prepared Jesus for his death and burial (Matthew 26:6-13). Women were the first to discover Jesus' resurrection and spread the word to his disciples. Many people became Christians through the testimony of women in the Bible (John 4:39). Two entire books in the Bible, Ruth and Esther, are dedicated to honoring the lives of noble, courageous women. Though it may seem that a few scriptures in the Bible seek to oppress or limit women, the truth is that the Bible recognizes and celebrates a woman's unique talents, contributions, and internal value far more than our secular society does today.<br /><br />If you are a woman, know that you have <strong>significant value</strong> and <strong>awesome worth </strong>in the eyes of God far beyond physical beauty or a prestigious title. What you do matters greatly, even if it's cooking meals for your husband, raising children full-time, or volunteering at a local shelter. As women, we have many gifts to give.<br /><br />Thanks for reading!Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12176254886383532172noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9024963906468946774.post-36472579756397178392011-06-09T12:07:00.002-04:002011-06-09T12:13:11.179-04:00Health and Nutrition AlertFor my readers concerned about health and nutrition, there is a non-profit organization functioning as the front group for restaurants and food manufacturers that is feeding misleading health and nutrition information to consumers through numerous websites and expensive ad campaigns. You can read about it <a href="http://bit.ly/kq7jCx">here</a> in my latest article on Suite 101.<br /><br />Thanks for reading!Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12176254886383532172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9024963906468946774.post-91502710286708356972011-06-07T06:54:00.004-04:002011-06-07T07:43:34.510-04:00Proud to be WomanI've been living under a lot of pressure these past few weeks. It started with looking for a job. My husband is planning on quitting the Navy in a little over two years when his contract is up and starting college, so I need to be bringing in an income to help with the bills. However, the job pickings have been slim to say the least. The economy is still terrible, and wages are being suppressed like never before. I saw a full-time receptionist job advertised with a salary of $16,500 to $20,500. What a joke! Who can live on $16,500 a year?? My husband makes more than twice that amount. That's why I've been writing so much lately. At least I can do something I love and make a few inroads toward earning extra cash at home.<br /><br />I called a friend of mine recently and told her about the situation. She's been there and done that. Her husband retired from the Navy, and most of her 5 children are in high school. She said, "The problem is, you don't want to be marginalized."<br /><br />Yes, that's it exactly. I don't want to be pushed into a corner by an employer, doing essential but menial tasks with no appreciation. I've been there, trust me, and up until a few months ago, I was still having nightmares about the worst job I ever had--and I haven't worked there in over three years. That's how deeply my spirit was crushed back then. I certainly don't want to go back to that: dealing with gross incompetence all around, taking the blame for others' faults, picking up everyone's slack, and begging for raises that I deserved. <br /><br />Talking to my friend made me realize more than ever before what it means to be a woman. We have so much to offer the world. We supply the world with children and nurture them into adults. We create healthy environments in which our families can grow. We care for our husbands so they can focus on their work. In our hands are health and healing if we allow them to come forth. Our words and moods change the tone of wherever we are. We can multi-task. In our hearts we feel a divine sense of justice. Some of history's strongest and most influential civil rights advocates have been women. Even the Bible acknowledges a woman's worth in Proverbs 31. With so much to offer the world, women shouldn't be marginalized.<br /><br />If you are a woman, celebrate today. We may have so much riding on our shoulders, but we also keep the world spinning smoothly. Despite all the stress I feel, I'm proud to have been born a woman.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12176254886383532172noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9024963906468946774.post-44426377890961915462011-06-04T08:22:00.003-04:002011-06-04T08:27:16.105-04:00Latest ArticleFor those of you interested in food and nutrition, check out my <a href="http://www.suite101.com/content/setting-the-record-straight-on-sugar-a374216">latest article</a> on sugar. It attempts to answer the common questions people have regarding the sweet stuff, including how much you should eat!<br /><br />Thanks for reading. I promise I'll be back to write something meaningful soon!Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12176254886383532172noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9024963906468946774.post-54996667457024655522011-05-27T16:43:00.006-04:002011-05-30T14:29:33.837-04:00ChangesDear Readers,<br /><br />As you may notice, I've made some small changes to the blog. You can now subscribe to the blog through email. There's also a feed to my most recent freelance articles on Suite101 and most popular blog posts if you'd like to check those out. For those of you on Twitter, I now have a Twitter account to promote my freelance writing. If you wish to follow, you may find me @April_Kelsey. I've been doing quite a bit of writing these days, including working on my novels, so I've been very busy! After all, I'm doing this while raising a toddler!!<br /><br />Also, for those of you who blog about dealing with depression, life in general, or nutrition and eating disorders, I'd like to start a blog roll to feature your blogs (since I just can't follow everyone.) If you'd like to see your blog promoted on mine, leave a comment on this post with a link to your site. I don't know when I'll be able to get the blog roll up, but I'd like to do it within the next week or two.<br /><br />I've considered adding Adsense to my blog to pull in some extra revenue; however, I started this blog as more of a way to express myself and reach out to others, not to capitalize on my writing. So for now, I will keep this blog ad-free. Let me know what you think. As always, I appreciate your readership!Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12176254886383532172noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9024963906468946774.post-14070778359954823892011-05-23T20:13:00.003-04:002011-05-23T20:15:35.655-04:00Busy with the KeyboardIn the absence of an available job, I've decided to start writing freelance. <a href="http://www.suite101.com/content/are-essay-writing-services-worth-the-cost-a372481">My first article</a> was published today, and I'm very excited. If you have time, please stop by and check it out.<br /><br />Thanks for reading!Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12176254886383532172noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9024963906468946774.post-41418005870349976452011-05-19T20:35:00.012-04:002011-06-04T08:26:46.475-04:00All About Food!I follow other depression blogs, and one theme that has crept up in a couple of them lately is food. It amazes me just how unhealthy some people's relationships with food can be, yet it's totally understandable. We live in a society where being thin and healthy is celebrated, yet the most affordable, convenient and advertised food on the shelf is the stuff guaranteed to cause weight gain. It also doesn't help that the airwaves are overrun with conflicting information about food and nutrition--a good deal of it false and misleading. It's no wonder people have such love-hate relationships with food.<br /><br />I, personally, love food. Most people don't think that when they see me. I'm tall and wear a size 8. Some think I must starve myself or exercise obsessively to have an ideal body weight. But I don't. I just eat and think about food differently.<br /><br />Food is good. It is necessary to support life and provide energy. Eating food is pleasurable. The most exciting time of the day for me is dinner, because that's when I eat the best food and the most of it. While genetics does play a role in my weight, the main difference is in how I eat. I don't own a FryDaddy, and it's a rare day when a McDonald's bag enters my house or car. I cook nearly all of my meals from scratch using simple, pure ingredients. And between times, I limit my intake of caffeine and sweets. That's about it.<br /><br />For those of you out there looking to lose weight or just eat better, I'm going to share a sample meal plan and some very simple tips. Here it goes:<br /><br />1. The recommended calorie intake to maintain weight is 2,000. That's roughly the amount your body burns in chemical processes + physical activity a day. <span style="font-weight: bold;">To lose weight, eat between 1,500 and 1,800 calories a day and increase activity if possible.</span> Eating less than 1,200 sends the body into starvation mode, which makes burning fat harder.<br /><br />2. Eat breakfast! This will get your metabolism started for the day.<br /><br />3. Lean protein is your best friend. Protein helps keep you feeling fuller, longer. Sources of lean protein include soybeans, legumes (beans), fish and chicken. Eat lots of these with fresh fruits, grains and vegetables.<br /><br />4. <span style="font-weight: bold;">Avoid at all costs</span><span style="font-weight: bold;"> foods that contain corn syrup, especially high-fructose corn syrup</span>. The body converts fructose directly into fat, and it can cause diabetes and poison the liver. Foods that contain high-fructose corn syrup include soda, ketchup, salad dressing, some cereals, cookies, and even yogurt, crackers, and ice cream. <span style="font-weight: bold;">Before buying anything, read the food label!</span><br /><br />5. Eat, don't drink, your calories. The body has trouble feeling full with liquids, and most calories in drinks come from sugar anyway. Drink mostly water, <span style="font-weight: bold;">and stay away from soda</span>! (Fun soda facts: soda contains 1,000 times the carbonic acid that carved Mammoth Cave, and drinking just one soda a day doubles your chance of developing diabetes.)<br /><br />6. Avoid (as much as possible) prepared, packaged and processed food. Most of it just contains corn anyway--the same corn fed to cows to fatten them. Guess what? <span style="font-weight: bold;">It's doing the same to you.</span><br /><br />7. Limit fast food to just once every two weeks, less if possible. If you must eat fast food, buy the kid's meal. A McDonald's kid's meal contains 700 calories, which is about the right amount for a meal when you're eating 1,800 calories a day. Or just buy a sandwich and skip the fries and coke.<br /><br />8. Avoid products labeled "diet." That does not make it better for you. Many "diet" products contain artificial sweeteners or high-fructose corn syrup. Instead, read the ingredients list and <span style="font-weight: bold;">choose foods that are naturally low in sodium, sugar and saturated fat.<br /></span><br />9. Buy organic foods whenever possible. Stay away from anything labeled "imitation," especially cheese. Real food is healthier and more satisfying, especially cheese!<br /><br />10. Consider making weight-training a part of your exercise program. The stronger and more developed your muscles, the more calories you will burn at rest.<br /><br />11. Limit alcohol and salad dressing intake. Both are loaded with calories.<br /><br />12. Look for ways to limit and ease your stress. Stress increases appetite while causing the body to retain weight.<br /><br />13. When eating out, some options are better than others. Instead of doing fast food, for instance, I get Chinese take-out or order from a deli. The drawback with Chinese food is that it can be high in sodium, but that's better than the high saturated fat you get at the burger joints, and Chinese food is usually loaded with veggies. The best deli in my opinion is Jason's Deli. Their food is phenomenal AND healthy (I love the Turkey Ruben and the Broccoli and Cheese Soup)!<br /><br /><br /><u>Meal Plan</u><br /><br />Breakfast Options: A nutritious smoothie (recipe at bottom) OR a protein shake OR oatmeal OR low-fat yogurt with granola OR a piece of fresh fruit with a side of cottage cheese.<br /><br />Mid-Morning Snack Options: a piece of fruit OR a serving of raw fresh veggies with low-fat dip OR a serving of raisins.<br /><br />Lunch Options: A very veggie salad (romaine lettuce and tomatoes, cucumber, red pepper, cranberries, mushrooms, olives, etc.) with lean protein and a vinaigrette dressing OR a tuna sandwich OR a lean deli meat sandwich with cheese OR healthy leftovers. (The best deli meat in my opinion is Oscar Mayer Delifresh Rotisserie-Seasoned Chicken--50 calories per 6 slices and delicious. It comes pre-sliced.)<br /><br />Afternoon Snack Options: raw fresh veggies with low-fat dip OR a serving of low-fat cottage cheese OR a serving of low-fat yogurt OR a 1/4 cup of nuts OR a slice of cheese OR a serving of low-sodium pretzels.<br /><br />Dinner: No fried food. Cook from scratch if possible using lean protein and fresh vegetables. (I recommend Healthy Cooking Magazine for simple, fast and tasty recipes).<br /><br />Dessert Options (2-3x a week): 2 pieces of individually-wrapped dark chocolate OR 2 oatmeal cookies OR a serving of low-fat Greek yogurt with fruit OR a serving of plain, low-fat frozen yogurt OR a serving of chocolate Jello pudding.<br /><br /><br />*Smoothie Recipe: 1/2 cup of non-fat milk, 1/2 cup of non-fat yogurt, 1/2 sliced frozen banana, 1/2 cup of frozen strawberries or berry mix, 1 tsp of honey, 1 tsp flaxseed oil, 2 tbls of vanilla-flavored protein powder. Pour all ingredients into a blender and mix until smooth.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12176254886383532172noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9024963906468946774.post-88413709926559319992011-05-12T10:07:00.002-04:002011-05-19T22:36:08.586-04:00Who doesn't like surprises? Me!Just the other day, it dawned on me: I don't like surprises. I was standing over the stove cooking dinner at the time, and the thought hit me like a bolt of lightning. <br /><br /><i>"What kind of person doesn't like surprises?"</i> I thought to myself in shock. <i>"And how could I have not known this about myself?"</i><br /><br />What brought this realization on was that my mother had written to my husband to ask what I wanted for Mother's Day, hoping that he'd keep the request a secret so she could surprise me with a gift. The problem is, there's not much I want in the way of possessions, and I'm notoriously picky to boot. My husband knows this, so he doesn't waste time trying to read my mind. He asks for a list. And, usually, it takes me anywhere from 2 hours to 2 months to make that 4-item list (depending on the occasion). At my house, the word 'spontaneity' exists somewhere within the realm of little green men. And it's hard for me to accept that.<br /><br />See, it's not popular or socially acceptable to be a giant stick-in-the-mud (or, in my case, a tire iron in concrete). Most of society loves outgoing, spontaneous people--the kind who make surprising fun. It's a personality trait that's celebrated in nearly every lighthearted Hollywood film. The stuffy librarian with the granny glasses meets Mr. Popular and suddenly transforms into Miss Life O' Da Party. That's the woman every guy wants to date, every employer promote, and everybody envy. She has the most fun and lives life to the fullest--or so everybody thinks. I thought I was her.<br /><br />Several years ago, I ditched the geeky glasses, cut my hair dangerously short, and bought a more form-fitting wardrobe. I'm very happy with those changes. I feel like a mature, attractive woman now--not the gawky teen I once was. But personality has not necessarily followed. I'm probably a little more spontaneous and fun-loving now than I was back then, but not much. Parties exhaust me, peppy people wear on my nerves, and most surprises leave me mumbling blankly into space. My favorite conversation topics at dinner are religion and politics. It doesn't help that I've been deeply disappointed by past surprises, mainly because people have a tough time understanding what I like. <i>I</i> have a tough time understanding what I like. Sometimes, I don't even like going outside. The life of the party? That's not me. Just give me the one book I want--the thick one with all the big words I can't pronounce correctly. That's all the surprise I crave.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12176254886383532172noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9024963906468946774.post-85150591957229955322011-05-05T11:23:00.004-04:002011-05-05T12:15:34.360-04:00Something's Wrong (and I'm not a hippie)I noticed something was wrong a few years ago when my husband and I drove together to Colorado and witnessed hundreds of cattle crammed together in muddy feedlots, the smell so rancid that you could detect it for a mile.<br /><br />I noticed something was wrong again when I bit into a fresh strawberry and it tasted like oil. <br /><br />I noticed something was wrong when I walked into a six-grade classroom and discovered nearly half the children were on psychiatric medication.<br /><br />I felt something was wrong when I began hearing more and more complaints from young women about infertility and menstrual problems. <br /><br />Something <i>is</i> wrong. A couple of days ago, the news reported that the number of asthma cases has increased by 12 percent over the past year. Considering the millions of people who suffer with asthma, that is not a small increase. That is an epidemic. <br /><br />We weren't meant to live this way. We weren't made to eat chemically processed food. Cows and chickens were not made to live in tiny, fetid enclosures. Our bodies were not designed to function on long-term medications. Farmland was not made to be repeatedly replanted without rest. Yet anyone in the past who has made such statements has been labeled an alarmist, a hippie, or a paranoid freak. Now, though, bad trends are becoming difficult to ignore. When you hear that your life expectancy will likely be shorter than your parents', or when you walk down the street and see that well over half of all the people on the sidewalk are significantly overweight, you can't ignore the feeling that something is amiss. This is what we call 'instinct.' Instinct works to keep us alive and thriving. <br /><br />I've decided to listen to my instinct. I'm going to start investing in my health. I'm going to try natural ways to treat and manage my depression. I'm going to take vitamins and buy more organic foods (I've discovered that they taste better without the chemicals). I know it's more expensive, but I can't continue to buy into the illusion that everything is fine and another pill will make me feel better. I know people on pills. They aren't better.<br /><br />For now, I'm just making small changes. I will probably never be a vegetarian; I like steak too much for that. I'm not going to ban potato chips from my house or start growing wheat grass in my backyard. I'm not going to demand that the local McDonald's be shut down. But what I <i>am</i> going to do is encourage a more natural way of living. Cows do not belong in feed lots, eating corn. Strawberries should not taste like oil. And women my age should not be struggling to get pregnant. Something is wrong, and no one should be afraid to say so.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12176254886383532172noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9024963906468946774.post-60952475714225684032011-05-02T13:50:00.003-04:002011-05-02T15:35:12.935-04:00Navy WifeThe Thursday before last, I had had it. William had whined and screamed all day--as well as the five days previous--and I couldn't endure another second. So when my husband finally came home from work on my assigned evening of freedom (we have an arrangement), I decided to take myself out to dinner at my favorite Italian restaurant. All my friends were either working or wrangling their own toddlers, so I went by myself. <br /><br />I just about had the whole restaurant to myself, too. I had arrived before the evening dinner rush, so the place was empty except for a couple having drinks in the corner. It was so nice just to sit in the quiet and stare at the ceiling, sipping sweet tea and thinking about the huge plate of Gorgonzola pasta I was about to enjoy--artichoke hearts included. Mmm, my favorite! <br /><br />A manager soon noticed me sitting alone and decided to check on me. He almost immediately asked if I was military. I suppose my eating alone must have clued him in. I said yes, and then explained that my husband is the one who serves--I just support him at home. He then thanked me for my service. "The wives have the tougher job," he explained. "The men only have to focus on the mission; the wives are responsible for dozens of other tasks to keep the household running." <br /><br />I felt both humbled and grateful. It's not every day that someone recognizes the contribution you make to the happiness and security of others--even if those others are your own family. I have been on both sides of the fence (military and civilian), and I can say from experience...he's right. <br /><br />Life within the military (as a soldier, sailor, etc.) is a different world. In the military, you are removed from civilian life and then kept almost too busy to think about it. While serving, you're concerned about how your uniform looks, how to master your training, whether your superiors are going to yell at you again, how to keep your buddies out of trouble, how to avoid falling asleep on duty...and that's only if your mind is actually rested enough to function properly. It's an all-consuming environment, and it's designed to be that way. Yes, you often feel lonely and miss loved ones. You wonder how they might be doing without you. But every day is just one mundane task and expectation after another, and responsibility for failure or laziness is shared among the group--specifically among those in the higher ranks.<br /><br />Compare that to a spouse's role. There's no one standing by to direct the spouse, to help her in her tasks, or to take responsibility if she fails to do something right. She is both boss and laborer, father and mother. There is no one to relieve her from her duty of caring for her family except for what she can arrange. When raising children, each day presents her with new and complex challenges for which she often feels ill-equipped to handle. She desperately misses her husband, worries about his physical and mental health, and counts the seemingly endless days, hours, and minutes until she will see him again. She carries the entire weight of the household on her shoulders. She knows if her husband is disabled or killed in action, she will have to work in addition to all of her current responsibilities--and as of now, she can hardly find time to do all of the laundry. If there is an accident, she will be the one to explain to her children what happened to daddy. Her mind is often a whirl of what-ifs, trying to think of strategies to deal with potential setbacks and emergencies. She may have to move in one year, two, three or four, and then it's back to finding new doctors, schools, and a home for her family all over again. In the meantime, she watches her friends who are married to the same life come and go. The minutes or hours she spends collapsed in front of the TV or computer offer only a slight reprieve from the stress and utter loneliness of her world. Her every task and chore is at the mercy of her child(ren)'s needs and whims. If she succeeds in reaching a goal, no one is standing by to hand her a medal; if she fails, her family's happiness as well as her self-esteem is compromised.<br /><br />It's hard to put a military spouse's life into words for those who aren't inclined to understand it. All some people see is that most of us don't have to work at a regular job; we get to stay home with our kids, watching TV and playing with blocks or Play-Dough, not having to answer to anyone with a title. That's true, but there's a mental and emotional side to it that most people don't see. When a man with a civilian job goes out to work, he remains part of the civilian world. It's easy for him to come home afterward and find common ground with his family. But when a service member goes out to work, he becomes part of another world with a different culture and different rules. For those hours, days or months, he is cut off from the civilian world--sometimes, even from sunlight. His homecoming often means everyone in the family must adjust and readjust. Roles are renegotiated, relationships restructured, a year's worth of memories crammed into a bedtime story. So, yeah, I can appreciate a thank-you from a stranger. I don't expect it; after all, this is what I chose to do. But at least the rare acknowledgement lifts my spirits and lets me know that, yes, even without a title and a paycheck, I am doing something that matters to someone.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12176254886383532172noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9024963906468946774.post-82297150501921114852011-04-14T10:49:00.002-04:002011-04-14T11:34:39.156-04:00It's a Complicated LifeSorry I've left all my dear readers hanging for so long. I'd have written sooner except my laptop died, and now my only computer access is limited to the room off of the kitchen--a place that is currently unfit for my child to play while I write. <br /><br />Depression? Well, it's sometimes still bad. I've cried in bed a couple of nights thinking about the relationship between past hurts and current problems. Life has also been very stressful. My husband is not at all enjoying his job. He hates it and complains about it greatly. Yesterday, he was kept at work after 7 p.m. He's supposed to leave at 3 p.m. And he has duty today, which means he won't be coming home until tomorrow evening. <br /><br />Even though my husband could potentially receive a bonus of $75,000 for reenlisting with the Navy, he's decided not to do it. That was tough to accept at first because he had been trying to reenlist for months and we had planned to pay off some bills with the money. A friend of ours in the same division reenlisted and received half of the money last week. Now I listen as his wife talks about her various shopping sprees, thinking, "We could have paid off my car! Put $10,000 in savings! Replaced all the ancient, broken windows in our house!" And then I want to shake her because she's talking about having bought a third set of dishes and now doesn't know what to do with the first two sets. But reenlisting even for that kind of security just isn't worth having a husband who is stressed, unhappy, and often absent from our son's life.<br /><br />Now that I know money will be somewhat tight for a while, I've decided that I probably can't afford to go back to school for my Master's degree and teaching license. It's not that affording tuition is a problem--because I can get good financial aid--it's the childcare. My last sitter charged $9 an hour. That was fine when the hubby and I needed only a couple of hours to go on a date, but that adds up quickly when you're talking about attending classes full-time. So I've decided to put off school and look for work until we've paid off some of our bills. But even then, my husband and I aren't fully comfortable with leaving William in someone else's care all the time, and the situation is further complicated by my husband's wacky work schedule. Should I just be content that we're getting by for the moment and wait until William is in school to pursue my career? These are the questions that plague me. And it's tough because I'm used to working and finding fulfillment in achieving concrete goals. <br /><br />Meanwhile, I picked up my Bible a couple of weeks ago and read Romans 8:5-6: <i>"Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace."</i> Peace. That's what I need. Peace for this mind that is so troubled by pain, fear, and uncertainty. I have been meditating on this scripture at times, studying what it means to desire what the Spirit of God desires...and in doing so, I have found myself less focused on past wounds. Even though churches, pastors, and many Christian friends have failed me, nothing they have done has negated the power and truth I find in scripture. This is how my faith has survived even when others have given up theirs. Perhaps, if you are interested, I shall share my insights with you sometime, dear readers. Until then, enjoy this glorious spring.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12176254886383532172noreply@blogger.com2