September 29, 2010

So I'm finally ready to talk about my physical strain.

It seems I'm suffering from a problem that has hit a few decades early: degeneration of the spine. One of the disks in my lower back is bulging out slightly, which is getting uncomfortable and putting pressure on the nerves that run into my left leg. When I walk or stand for long periods of time, a burning pain and numbness begins a few inches above my ankle and spreads up my leg and down into my foot. It has become somewhat limiting in the past few weeks, especially because I fear going hiking with my husband. I don't want to get a mile down a trail and be unable to get back.

When I first heard the results of the doctor's diagnosis, I was devastated. It's not cancer by any means, but...I'm only 27! What will this mean when I'm 40? Fifty? What if I lift something heavy (like my child) and further injure my back? Will I need surgery? Or will I simply become limited even further?

But since I've had some time to think about it, I'm ok. Still unhappy and a little scared, but ok. The doctor has put me on medication for inflammation, and I'll call my insurance to schedule some physical therapy next week. If these two things can help me, maybe my life can get back to normal.

I Haven't Fallen Off...

September 27, 2010

...I just haven't had the mind to get on.

My husband and I are set to close on our house Thursday. So far, I've only packed two boxes and one Rubbermaid container with books. I could easily pack another six boxes with books. I think we have more books in this apartment than we do anything else. They're taking over EVERYTHING! They're stacked on my husband's dresser. They're piled in the top of William's closet. Books coming out of every nook and crevice.

I need more boxes. And about three more bookshelves for the new house.

I'm excited about the move, but I've had a tough time coping with stress this past week. Part of my struggle has had to do with William. He recently went through another stage of growth and development, and this one was a little rough for him. He whined almost constantly. The slightest bump on the head sent him screaming. He didn't want to be held, put down, or left alone. Nothing made him happy. Now, thankfully, he seems to be better, but for a few days there I considered throwing myself through the apartment window to escape him.

Because of all this, I went into another "blanking out" phase several days ago. I've discovered this is how I function: periods of high efficiency and productivity followed by periods of almost brain-dead behavior. Since realizing this, I've been able to channel my energy more effectively. For instance, I spent much of my recent "blank out" working on my second novel. (I have about 15 pages now.)

I've also been able to manage my time and behavior better this time so I can still fulfill my responsibilities. If I know I need time to relax or escape, I take it. In exchange, I set deadlines for meeting my obligations so I won't procrastinate indefinitely. So far, it's working. I just hope I can keep it up. I still need to pick out paint colors for the house!


September 15, 2010

After all the frustration my husband and I have suffered while trying to purchase our first home, it finally appears that we will succeed. A few weeks ago, we put in a bid for a beautiful 1940's house in the historic district of our city, not far from the shipyard where my husband's ship is stationed. After much haggling over the contract and a few bumps in the process, everything is set to go through. The house passed inspection and is being appraised today. All that is left is to sign the final papers, which should happen at the end of this month. One of my joys lately has been dreaming about that house and all the room William will have to play in it.

He needs more room. He is crawling much faster, pulling up to low surfaces, and getting into everything. Watching him has become exhausting. I've had to remove him countless times from electrical wires (which he LOVES to play with), fish fuzz and rug fibers out of his mouth, and comfort him from all the times he's fallen or crawled head-first into the coffee table. I'm pretty much confined to the living room while my husband is at work, unable to let William out of my sight for more than a handful of seconds. A designated play area just for him would be a godsend.

But there is a cloud hanging over me as we prepare to transition to our wonderful new home. I finally saw my doctor concerning the physical strain I have been suffering, and the news is not good. I do not have all of the information yet, so I do not know how serious my condition is or what my treatment will be. But the initial diagnosis has me pretty devastated. There's a reason I feel like I'm 27 going on 80--it's because, in a way, I am. That's all I feel comfortable saying. For now, I'm just waiting until I can get more answers, which should happen in two weeks--and trying to keep my head together.


September 1, 2010

Somewhere in my city tonight is a man named Deo Cosita. It supposedly means "little man who honors God." I don't think that's his real name.

Today is his 62nd birthday. He is homeless and nearly blind. He walked around town for hours today before finding someone who would speak to him.

He is a former Marine. His service is the cause of his blindness. Agent Orange is eating away at his sight.

Deo doesn't stand on street corners. He doesn't have a cardboard sign. He isn't panhandling in parking lots. He just wants someone--anyone--to see him as a fellow human being.

He asked me to pray for him. So this is my prayer:

Dear God,
Please watch over Deo Cosita.
Let him prosper and meet with kindness.
Give him hope for the future. And remind
all those who passed him by
that there but by your grace go we.