September 19, 2012

It wasn't supposed to happen. I was past the critical first semester. But it happened anyway. I lost my baby.

I shouldn't be writing this. I just came from the doctor two hours ago, and the pain is...raw. Unreal. But I have to talk about it.

I would have been 17 weeks this week. When I went in for my check-up at 10 weeks, the baby's movements and heartbeat were strong. Today, the nurse couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. She thought maybe he was moving around too much for the fetal monitor. So she brought in the little ultrasound machine. But the baby wasn't moving. And she still couldn't find the heartbeat.

She called for the doctor to be sure. He looked for a long time. Took measurements. He told me the baby was only measuring 12 and a half weeks. Somewhere on the way to 13 weeks, the baby simply stopped growing. Perhaps a chromosome didn't develop correctly, but that was only speculation. There was no way to say for sure what happened. But my baby was gone.

I cried a lot. Wailed. I didn't mean to. But the news hurt a lot more than I thought it would.

I know I have to take this one day at a time. But I can't see how I will move past it yet. I'll eventually have to tell all my friends, family and neighbors that there will be no new baby in February. And I'll have to have the tiny body removed from my womb.

Right now, I'm just shattered. Staring at all the little pieces of myself and wondering how I will pick them up yet again.


September 18, 2012

Since I've been out of the loop for a while, I should update everyone on what's been going on in my life for the past few months.

My husband and I recently celebrated 5 years of marriage and, really, things couldn't be better in that regard. We worked through the baby blues and finally reconnected on a very tender level. Reading over my past entries recently, I've realized that we've both matured a great deal over the past couple of years and have settled down to family life. My husband, while still pretty much agnostic, is now very supportive of my Christian faith and willingly attends church with me, even though he knows he doesn't have to.

A few months ago, my depression got really bad, so I finally broke down and asked for help. I saw a counselor for a few weeks and went to a psychiatrist for meds. Shortly after that, I found out I was pregnant. Now I'm not on any meds, but my depression appears to be well under control. Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones??

It helps that this pregnancy is going much better than my previous one. I'm about 15 weeks along now and haven't been physically sick in well over a week. I've been able to eat and gain weight normally, and haven't needed any trips to the ER to get rehydrated. It's been really nice. The only real complaint I have is occasional, excruciating back pain.

The one dark cloud in all of this is the situation with my parents. After thirty years of marriage, my mom asked my dad for a divorce. And she's well within her rights to do so. One thing I haven't talked about on this blog concerns what's been going on with them for the past couple of years. Just before William's first Christmas, my dad confessed that he had been unfaithful. And not just a little unfaithful, either. He had been involved in some pretty sick stuff. Turns out he's been a life-long sex addict. The whole family was just devastated--myself included. I fell into a very dark depression, went through the five stages of grief, and then told my dad if he wanted anything to do with my family in the future, he would go to counseling. And he did. He graduated from a 12-step program a couple of months ago.

My mom has been working this whole time on trying to forgive him. She's gone to counseling as well, read books on sex addiction, and has taken vacations with my dad to try to rekindle their marriage. But nothing has really worked for her. Her trust has been shaken too deeply. And Dad's been showing signs of falling off the wagon.

Now she's trying to figure out how to take the next step. Divorce means she will have to sell her house (which she adores), split any assets with my dad, and try to make it on her own. She won't stay in Tennessee; she wants to move closer to me. Which is fine by me. I'd love to have her spend some time with her grandkids.

As for me, I'm dealing with it ok. I'm disappointed that things couldn't work out for them, but I don't want Mom to stay in such a bad situation. I'm sure it will hit me a little harder later. It's hard to believe things have come to this.

Life Overwhelming

September 16, 2012

I haven't forgotten about my blog. I think about it once in a while: "You know, I really should post something." And then I think of a dozen other things that need doing and put it off yet again.

You moms that have multiple kids: I don't know how you keep up with your blogs.

I logged on and realized I hadn't posted anything since February. Which is good, because I was thinking it had been a year. Go me!

William is now two and a half. And I'm 15 weeks pregnant with his sibling. My husband and I weren't going to have any more kids. But things just happen sometimes.

My husband (Calvin) now works about 90 hours a week. He's rarely home, and that's hard for me. Especially since William needs a strong male figure around. Calvin tries to spend good quality time with Will, but he often comes home to a lawn that needs mowing, cars that need washing, walls that need painting, and a half-dozen other chores that I can't do on my own.

I mowed the backyard last week after my morning sickness had subsided just a couple of days before, and I shouldn't have. My nerve pain got all flared up, and it took me two days to recover.

My feelings about the new baby are mixed. On the one hand, I really am excited. William is such a sweet boy; I think he will enjoy having a sibling. On the other hand, raising two little ones on Calvin's insane work schedule won't be easy. I can deal well enough with taking William with me on errands, but I don't think I'll be able to do it with two. I know other moms do, so I guess I'll just have to figure it out.

I really, really want my husband around more. This schedule is killing us. Calvin often comes home so exhausted that he spends half of his first day off sleeping. Thankfully, we just have to put up with it until February 2014--because that's when his contract with the Navy expires. Go Navy. Go away!