June 24, 2010

So, my husband and I are talking about having another child.

I feel like I have another child in me, another little person waiting to meet me...waiting to add another dimension to my life.

But it's not that easy. We want the second child close in age to our current baby, which means trying for conception right away. That means putting off graduate school yet another year, and higher childcare expenses for when I finally do start school. Also, the pain and frustration of my first pregnancy is still fresh in my memory. I vomited every single day from week six to week 20, and then twice a week after that until William was born. My libido and energy were practically non-existent the whole nine months. I spent my last month in nearly constant pain. Recovery from the childbirth took weeks.

Also, having a child is always a gamble. My husband and I are blessed to have a healthy, pleasant baby. But we might not be so lucky next time. The next baby could be colicky, hyper, or just plain difficult to manage--or, God forbid, have a disability.

Then there's handling the pregnancy and new baby with William around. I saw a young mother in the local Target parking lot lose her grip on a double stroller (which then went rolling into traffic) because she was busy wrangling three toddlers, and I thought: I know how she feels. When William was born, I felt like I needed two extra hands to be able to juggle everything: baby, bottle, burpcloth, blanket, remote control, cooking spoon.... Sometimes you succeed, and sometimes the stroller goes rolling off into traffic. Sometimes you leave the house without enough formula. Sometimes you spend half an hour searching for an important item you had in your hand just five minutes before and you can't imagine WHERE IN GOD'S GREEN WORLD you might have put it, and then you eventually discover that it was in plain sight all along, or in the refrigerator. And it's your purse.

And yet...there's this other little person calling to me from the void, saying "I'm here, Mommy. Come get me." There's an image of two little ones running to the door to greet their father, home from work, at the end of the day. There's the promise of laughter and discovery between siblings, of crayon drawings on the refrigerator, of school, graduation, weddings, and grandchildren. So maybe the complications multiply with a second child, but what about the joys? I'm not sure I want to miss out.

I'll keep you posted.


June 10, 2010

I'm still distracted. Every time I experience high levels of stress (such as a month ago when I was car shopping), I go through a time immediately afterward when I can't accomplish--or don't feel like accomplishing--anything. For me, that's been the past three weeks. I bought a video game a couple of weeks ago and completely vegged out in front of it for hours a day. Now it feels like I'm swimming in quicksand again. I just don't want to face anything.

One reason for my stress is that I'm planning a trip to TN to visit my family. This time, however, I'll be traveling alone with the baby. My husband has to work, so he can't come with us. And we're going by plane. Yes, I'll be THAT mother on the plane. I just hope to heaven that Will doesn't decide to scream the whole way.

Of course I'll be happy to see my family as always, but, as usual, there will probably be some type of drama or tension. Right now, my brother's two teenage sisters-in-law are living with him because their mom moved across the state and didn't want to take the girls out of their current school. However, she has given my brother and his wife next to nothing to support those girls, so after nearly eight months of raising teenagers, my brother is pretty much broke. Oh, did I mention he's turning 21 in July? Yeah, that sounds fair: a 20-year-old raising a 14-year-old and a 16-year-old on a waiter's salary while the girls' mother parties with her new boyfriend in another city. Sorry, I'm just a tad bitter about it. Every time I think about that situation, I want to reinstate public floggings. The type of advantage that woman is taking of my brother and his family is practically criminal.

And despite the discussion my husband and I had in December about revealing my darkest secret to my brother (see my post "Can O' Worms"), it has yet to be done. At first, I was glad about it. But while commenting on a relevant discussion thread somewhere on the Internet, I realized that, in all good conscience, I should probably reveal said secret after all. I'm sorry I can't reveal more about this secret to you, dear readers. Some things in my life are too sensitive and private even for this blog. I'm just hoping all goes well on this trip despite what drama may (and probably will) occur.