Gray Days

August 19, 2009

Last week marked the one-year anniversary of my father-in-law's tragic death. I had planned to write a post in honor of his memory, but alas! I failed.

Today marks week 19 in my pregnancy. I was planning on writing about that, too, but I don't think I will.

I'm trapped within a series of gray days. I'm not sad or wandering around in the dark, but I feel...what's the modern term?..."meh." I haven't touched my Japanese language program in days. Kitchen floors in mud huts are cleaner than mine is right now. Laundry is piling up in the closet. And I still have yet to work on finishing my novel.

My OB asked me two weeks ago to get a blood test to check my thyroid; I finally had it done yesterday.

This morning, I lay in bed and thought about why I might be feeling this way. I concluded that I feel like I have no control over anything. Right now, I'm waiting to hear whether or not I'll be tutoring again this fall. (The college where I work is having budgeting problems.) My schedule upon return--if I return--will determine whether I will be able to go to TN in September to visit my parents. I'm also waiting to hear whether we'll be moving in October or staying in SC until January, as well as waiting to hear where we will be moving when the time comes.

In the meantime, I'm still battling through this pregnancy. Last week, I came down with a 36-hour stomach virus. I puked so much that I nearly ended up going to the ER. Thankfully, the baby is ok. I feel the little one moving and kicking away every day now. (The six-inch bugger is strong!) However, I'm still struggling to gain weight. At almost halfway through my pregnancy, I have gained less than 10 pounds. I stepped on the scale this morning and discovered that I've actually lost two pounds in the past couple of weeks.

At the same time, I've been experiencing fairly strong heart palpitations. I stopped by my OB's office yesterday to ask if I should be concerned about them, and she wrote me a referral to see a cardiologist. I'm currently waiting by the phone to find out when my appointment is. (I'm also thanking God right now that I have amazing health insurance through the Navy.)

In short, I'm waiting to receive information on how...or when, or life is going to change. Until then, I'm just stuck in the endless gray fog of uncertainty, unable to move. Today I am a ship without a rudder, blown to and fro by the fickle winds of life, without a say in where I'm going. If it weren't for my doctors' appointments, I might not even know what day it is.

Stress sucks.


Teri K said...

Hi, Sweet Lady. I'm sorry you're having so much trouble. It makes me want to drive back to try and help. I think you're quite right to say that you're in a gray area. It's so hard to go from being a pretty independent person to suddenly having almost everything out of your hands. Waiting on other people, waiting to feel better, not know where you'll be in a few months... We weren't created for that kind of uncertainty, and it wears us down. I don't have any wise advice, unfortunately. Keep blogging, it a good chance to express how you feel. And remember, we may not know what's next, but God says "I know the plans that I have for you, declares the LORD. They are plans for peace and not disaster, plans to give you a future filled with hope." Jer 29:11. Faith, I have learned, is holding on to that promise even when you're not sure it's true.
Remember that you are loved very much.

Sanctum's Muse said...

Thanks, Teri. The Bible is the best kind of wise advice! Overall, though, I am doing better physically. I still have to run to the toilet some mornings, but the crippling nausea is gone. I've been able to cook almost every night for the past three weeks, and I've been keeping the house fairly clean. I swept and mopped the kitchen floor last night, so it no longer looks like I live in a mud hut. And I just got a call from the Citadel; I can start tutoring again if I want! So it seems everything will be ok. It's just hard to hold up under the pressure some days.

Love you, too!

therealbobthought said...

now don't you worry bout how that house looks, you stay healthy, and don't worry bout changes that might happen, your gonna have a lot of those. Take time to smile, a good belly laugh even,let that baby will know he has a happy mommy out there.

Lou said...

I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time at the moment. I know how these grey days feel- i call them 'those days.' It's hard. But you have something that can keep you going. The life growing inside you, surely that amounts to hope. Hope that eventually, things will get better. Life won't be so grey. It may not seem that way at the moment but i promise you, it's true.

I posted this in the Coffee Shop forum too but take a look at my post:

You're not alone. :)

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