Tough Week

June 17, 2011

This week has not been easy for me emotionally. I've been thinking quite a bit lately about my past, specifically my childhood and my experiences with my family. What started me thinking is that my mom is coming visit me in VA. I love my mother dearly and am looking forward in a big way to seeing her, but being around her tends to make me anxious. My mom has a habit of asking direct and pointed questions, the answers to which lead her to make suggestions that she expects to be followed. I'm a relatively structured and disciplined person, but my mother is at an entirely different level, and she has trouble understanding why I can't think and function as she does. My shortcomings in that way result partly from personality and partly from my battle with depression. Going about things slowly and approaching life in a more laid-back fashion is how I manage my stress. Otherwise, my head might explode.

There's another reason I'm feeling irked: my dad's birthday and Father's Day are both approaching, and as I discovered today, my feelings toward my father are not favorable at the moment. You may remember, dear readers, that just before last Christmas, a family crisis arose involving my parents. Well, certain actions of my dad's caused that crisis, and as I stood in Target trying to pick out a Father's Day card, I realized I am still angry at him. The hurt is so deep that I almost can't think of him as my father. I know in the past I have talked on this blog about how much I love my dad and how he cared about me and protected me growing up, but I feel like some of that was a form of denial. I stood in Target today sorting through cards that said, "You're the greatest dad ever!" and "Because of you, my life is amazing!", and I wanted to scream and walk away. None of it was true, and I couldn't in good conscience even buy a card that read, "I love you very much." Don't get me wrong: I still love my dad. But I'm so twisted and frustrated inside that I can't even lie to him for my own sake.

I hate feeling this way. It's so damn awkward and infuriating. I love him, but I hate him. When I hug him, part of me means it and part of me doesn't. Part of me wants to forgive and forget, but part of me can't get past the pain. It's very possible our relationship will always be this way. So, once you accept that something may never be normal, how do you proceed with it? I need to figure that out.

1 comment:

MaliciousGnome said...

This may not be helpful, but I wanted to let you know that you're definitely not alone in feeling unsure about how to proceed in a complicated relationship involving a father figure.

My own father was a difficult person to deal with growing up, but what I consider his betrayal of our family caught me for a loop and rocked me to the core. That betrayal happened about 3 years ago and I'm still uncomfortable even talking about my father, let alone speaking to him. I'm grateful that he no longer lives in the same city, but those nervous feelings are amplifying with an upcoming family trip to see my grandmother and cousins (my father lives with my grandmother).

It's intensely frustrating and maddening to have to 'keep the peace', both to avoid upsetting an elderly relative and to avoid coming across as the 'bratty daughter' and the person in the wrong. I'm almost positive that my father has either outright lied to family members or omitted truths in order to avoid responsibility for his very hurtful actions and words.

I didn't even acknowledge him this father's day (nor the last 2) and really don't know if I ever will again. Living without him is much easier than living with him in my life.

I hope that you're able to sort out your feelings and bring things to a favorable conclusion. :)

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