It's a Complicated Life

April 14, 2011

Sorry I've left all my dear readers hanging for so long. I'd have written sooner except my laptop died, and now my only computer access is limited to the room off of the kitchen--a place that is currently unfit for my child to play while I write.

Depression? Well, it's sometimes still bad. I've cried in bed a couple of nights thinking about the relationship between past hurts and current problems. Life has also been very stressful. My husband is not at all enjoying his job. He hates it and complains about it greatly. Yesterday, he was kept at work after 7 p.m. He's supposed to leave at 3 p.m. And he has duty today, which means he won't be coming home until tomorrow evening.

Even though my husband could potentially receive a bonus of $75,000 for reenlisting with the Navy, he's decided not to do it. That was tough to accept at first because he had been trying to reenlist for months and we had planned to pay off some bills with the money. A friend of ours in the same division reenlisted and received half of the money last week. Now I listen as his wife talks about her various shopping sprees, thinking, "We could have paid off my car! Put $10,000 in savings! Replaced all the ancient, broken windows in our house!" And then I want to shake her because she's talking about having bought a third set of dishes and now doesn't know what to do with the first two sets. But reenlisting even for that kind of security just isn't worth having a husband who is stressed, unhappy, and often absent from our son's life.

Now that I know money will be somewhat tight for a while, I've decided that I probably can't afford to go back to school for my Master's degree and teaching license. It's not that affording tuition is a problem--because I can get good financial aid--it's the childcare. My last sitter charged $9 an hour. That was fine when the hubby and I needed only a couple of hours to go on a date, but that adds up quickly when you're talking about attending classes full-time. So I've decided to put off school and look for work until we've paid off some of our bills. But even then, my husband and I aren't fully comfortable with leaving William in someone else's care all the time, and the situation is further complicated by my husband's wacky work schedule. Should I just be content that we're getting by for the moment and wait until William is in school to pursue my career? These are the questions that plague me. And it's tough because I'm used to working and finding fulfillment in achieving concrete goals.

Meanwhile, I picked up my Bible a couple of weeks ago and read Romans 8:5-6: "Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace." Peace. That's what I need. Peace for this mind that is so troubled by pain, fear, and uncertainty. I have been meditating on this scripture at times, studying what it means to desire what the Spirit of God desires...and in doing so, I have found myself less focused on past wounds. Even though churches, pastors, and many Christian friends have failed me, nothing they have done has negated the power and truth I find in scripture. This is how my faith has survived even when others have given up theirs. Perhaps, if you are interested, I shall share my insights with you sometime, dear readers. Until then, enjoy this glorious spring.


MaliciousGnome said...

Hi April! This is Caitlin. I saw your blog link via Facebook a few days ago and have been reading some of your entries.

My husband Andrew was in the Navy before we met and he was miserable. I know he made more money being an ET than he does now as a CE for NCR but he actually enjoys his current job. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if he was still in the Navy, to have a little more income and our rent paid for, but then I realize that that extra money isn't worth debilitating stress and unhappiness.

We also live on one income and it can be difficult sometimes; obviously we don't have a child yet but it's a concern that fills my mind sometimes. I wonder how we'll afford to live with an extra person. I want to be fully stay-at-home once we have a baby but, for now, I've thought about getting a part-time job. I'm crippled by the thought of interviewing and the concept of 'failing', which is what I make of an unsuccessful job seek. I guess I wish I could bounce back like so many other job hunters and search for the next classified. Instead I attack myself for being incompetent and socially awkward, then wallow in depression and a feeling of being useless.

Alright, enough of my moping! I'm off to read some more entries :)

April said...

I totally understand. Looking for a job is tough, and I've definitely had some painfully awkward interviews. When you struggle with depression anyway, it can be very hard to bounce back from such a blow. After going through several interviews, however, I've learned a few things:

1. The best interview is one where you're excited about the job. When you're passionate about the job, your confidence really shines and you can sell yourself without hardly trying.

2. Don't bother asking small detail questions (such as what is or is not allowed in the company dress code). Asking such questions makes the interview awkward, and most of that information can be learned on the job.

3. Practice makes perfect. Prepare for potential interview questions and write out your questions beforehand. If you blow an interview, make notes on what went wrong so you can avoid doing the same thing the next time.

4. Arrive early, smile, be polite, and give a firm handshake.

5. Make your skills directly applicable to the job for which you are applying.

6. If you don't get the job, tell yourself that you weren't meant to have it and look forward to finding "The One" for you!

Thanks for reading, Caitlin. You're the coolest! We awkward girls have to stick together.

Post a Comment

Thanks for your feedback! Comments are moderated, so they may not appear right away.