Sinking

November 4, 2009

I must really despise Tennessee. Every time I come here to visit my family, I end up depressed. Thankfully, today is the last day of our visit. I can't wait to get back to our new home in Virginia.

I love my family and enjoy seeing intimate friends, but every time I come out here, I realize just how much farther I've grown from the people I know. And then I realize that I was never "here" to begin with. All my efforts in high school and college were strategically calculated to eventually take me far away from this place--or at least to encourage others to get out. A weak soul could die in a place like this, and often does. There's little here but abandoned dreams.

I feel so detached, like my real self is out hovering over a lake somewhere while my body sits dumb and empty like a dry husk. What can I say about myself? That the thought of becoming a mother in the next two months scares the hell out of me? That I feel alone in every thought and emotion? That the sight of my husband scarfing a half-dozen fun-sized Kit Kat bars in one sitting sickens and angers me? In the time I've gained 20 pounds, he's gained 30. I want to scream and tear my hair out, fall to the floor and implore him to not take another bite.

I laid in bed early this morning and wept--wept because I felt trapped between my husband and my unborn son. One drains me physically while the other takes from me emotionally, and no pause button exists for me on the remote control of life. So I just sink like a stone in a silent ocean, as far as I can get into the enclosed, secret places of my being, and shut myself in. I just want to go back to Virginia and absorb my mind in making jewelry again, finding comfort in the work of my hands and the brilliant colors of those small, glass beads.

I recently sold three pieces, so I have money again for new materials--a particularly bright spot in the week for me.

4 comments:

Gregoire said...

Love your writing. I totally relate to feeling disconnect with family. We all live thousands of miles apart, and it's much better now when we do see one another, but I recallin my 20s to early 30s living closer to family and when visiting I always felt a "distance", a "difference", how their lives seemed so much better. I now know that it's not necessarily true that their lives were so much better, but my perception through my depresive mind. Making me feel like a lesser person, even than those who cared for me.

Here's hoping your son helps bridge the gap that seems to exist between you and your spouse. You are all good people who deserve the best.

Greg

Sanctum's Muse said...

Thanks, Greg. Hope all is well with you.

Konnor said...

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time right now. I definitely know how you feel about your home town. That's how it is here, and if you don't go to college, you end up another one of the deadbeats that are stuck there for the rest of your life. I'm not saying it's a bad town, because I wouldn't trade growing up here for anything. It's a wonderful place to grow up. But it's not a good place to start a life and expand your horizons. In regards to your hubby, have you maybe thought of couple's counseling? I can't pretend to know what you're going through, but the stress of his career along with a new baby is probably really tough on him. Maybe he just doesn't know how to express that, so he turns to food for comfort. He wouldn't be the first or last person to do that. It also sounds like you're really stressed out too...about your family/hometown, the baby, your relationship. Maybe it would do you both some good to get everything out in the open. I don't know anything about your situation so by all means this might not be right for you, but I'm just trying to help. No matter what, I hope things start looking up for you. Know that you are cared for!

--Konnor

Sanctum's Muse said...

Thanks, Konnor. But in regard to my husband, the situation isn't quite so grim. He's been on leave for the past couple of weeks and has indulged himself more than he should. Plus, he's tried to keep pace with my eating for two. I'm not saying stress hasn't played a part in this, but he seems happy overall, and very affectionate.

The problem has mostly been on my end: the further along I get in my pregnancy, the more withdrawn I feel. I think that has to do with experiencing something that my husband cannot fully comprehend, and all the emotions that go along with that. A woman's world is often a private (and lonely) place, even when she tries to let others in.

Fortunately, I'm feeling much better now that I'm back in Virginia.

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