Despair

I haven't written lately because I've been angry again. Yes, again. Over some retarded nonsense. A few days ago I completed my slide down into the utter darkness of depression. I've been sitting around wanting to cry, wanting to smash things, wanting to go completely insane. I've even come close to losing patience with William.

My husband says I should call my doctor. Well, I don't want to! My primary care physician is an idiot. She prescribed me Tylenol for numbness in my leg and heartburn medication for an upset stomach. What's up with that??? If you don't know what's wrong, just say so. Don't prescribe useless medication that I have to get filled while my baby screams his head off in the waiting area.

Anyway...the retarded nonsense...

A few weeks ago, I reached out to an old high school friend on Facebook. We haven't really spoken or seen each other in years, and I wanted to catch up with him. So I sent him a message saying, "Wish we could talk." His response: "Is everything ok?" Yeah, sure, why wouldn't it be? Well, that was the end of that. No other response.

I didn't let it get to me at first. After all, I'm sure he's busy. But then...why would he only talk to me if something was amiss? And then it hit me: he must think I'm a charity case.

Oh, boy. Talk about putting a treasured friendship in a different light. My anger is still palpable.

I'll admit, I chased this guy in high school. He was intelligent, respectful, warm and friendly--and more than anything at the time I wanted to date someone who would treat me right. However, nothing more than friendship ever resulted between us, though I always suspected that he liked me at least a little back then.

None of that matters now, though. I mean, we're talking ten years ago! We're now both happily married and far more settled. What does he think I'm going to do? Hit on him? As if!

I considered writing him an email in which I explain what was going on in my head back in high school and apologize for, if ever, making him uncomfortable. But then I thought, what's the point? What difference would it make, if any? He's obviously not interested in communicating with me, so why put myself out there like that?

Instead, I did this: I deleted him from my Facebook friends list. I think doing that has made me feel a little better, mainly because it is different from what I would normally do.

I thought about the situation like this: if he was uncomfortable with talking to me at any point in our "friendship", he should have just told me so. To let me keep believing that we were friends if he was really just "being nice" to me was a pathetic, cowardly, and cruel thing to do.

I know some people might say that my view of the situation is short-sighted or mistaken. But I have nothing else to go on. And taking him off my friends list is better than writing an emotionally charged, potentially embarrassing email. If he sees that he's been dropped from my friends list and feels concerned about it, he can email me.

I wish stuff like this didn't bother me at all.