The Darkness Cometh

More than a week has passed since I last wrote. My state, both physical and mental, seems to deteriorate by the day. This has been my life everyday for the past ten days or so:

1. Get up around 10:30 a.m. My husband has already left for training hours before. I could get up with him, but I've discovered that my stomach doesn't bother me as long as I sleep.

2. Eat a light breakfast around 11 a.m. and pray I keep it down. I adjourn to the couch in the living room to rest while my breakfast settles.

3. Eat lunch around 12 p.m. and snack at 2 p.m. I have to eat this often to stave off sharp hunger pains that somehow contribute to my nausea.

4. My stomach has usually settled enough by this time so I can take a shower.

5. I then try to accomplish something in the afternoon--change the sheets on our bed, vacuum, clean the kitchen...something. I usually have just enough energy to do one thing.

6. By 4 p.m., I'm back on the couch. I stay there until 6 p.m., then get up to cook dinner. This is a challenge.

7. My husband arrives home around 7:30 p.m. We watch a show while we eat dinner.

8. By 9 p.m., my husband is ready for bed. He convinces me to tag along. He doesn't like going to bed alone.

9. I usually fall asleep by 10:30 p.m., which means I will sleep about 12 hours.

On any given day like this, the only person I see or talk to is my husband. As appalling as I find this routine, any deviation from it at all is nearly unthinkable. Phone calls, trips to the grocery store, keeping appointments--even taking short walks around the block--all require effort beyond my current capability. Needless to say, I'm extremely frustrated. I've been so frustrated, in fact, that I haven't visited any of my regular websites in several days...or written anything for that matter. Bear with me. The darkness has descended again.

As a Dog

I haven't posted anything in three days because I've been sick. Two days ago, I came down with a terrible migraine. Of course, because I'm pregnant, I couldn't take anything for it. So I laid in the floor for a couple of hours, holding a damp towel against my head in an attempt to keep my brains from slithering out through my temples. My head hurt most of the day and night, and I ended up tossing my dinner in the bathroom.

By the next day, I was completely wiped out. My head had finally stopped hurting, but my stomach still felt queasy. I slept until noon, and then spent the whole afternoon and most of the evening in zombie mode.

Today, my stomach still hurts. I can hardly eat, and everything I do eat manages to give me gas, which just makes me even more miserable. I've probably only gained three pounds in the past three weeks, but I feel like I've gained 20. I feel monstrous. I can hardly bend over without feeling sick or getting cramps. My allergies have started going nuts, and I can't take a single &*%damn pill for that, either. To top it all off, I haven't had sex with my husband in over a week.

Needless to say, I'm starting to crack. I just can't go on like this for another seven months. I'm already having trouble getting comfortable in bed at night. What am I going to do when my belly is poking out halfway to my knees? My husband might have to hide the guns.

Alone

It's Monday, and my husband is back to training for the week. Another day alone for me.

I'm not a very popular person, so people don't usually stop by to visit when I'm alone. Aside from being unable to connect well with others, I can be a bit offensive. I have what you might call "unpopular opinions" and ways of debating them that drive most people insane. For instance, I had this conversation with a coworker:

Woman: "I think outlawing abortion would be wrong. I don't think its right to tell women what to do with their bodies."

Me: "But the law already tells people what to do with their bodies. Running around nude in public, taking drugs, and committing suicide are all things you can do with your body, yet they are illegal. You're not even allowed to drive a car without wearing a seat belt. Banning abortion wouldn't be any different."

Needless to say, she wasn't thrilled by my comeback. (Actually, I don't think abortion should be outlawed. Some women need it for medical reasons. I just like to pick apart the supporting logic.)

Nothing today is more volatile, though, than the subject of gay marriage. Say anything against gay marriage and you might end up blacklisted...like Miss California. The funny thing is, I actually agree with people on both sides of the issue. Under the U.S. Constitution, gays should have the right to marry, and the government should protect the speech of those who disagree with gay marriage. You can imagine the type of response this statement draws from both sides of the line, especially from those who view any type of disagreement as "hate speech."

Of course, people might not consider me offensive if they weren't so easily offended. You can hardly have a civil public debate these days without someone getting his panties in a twist. Really, it scares the crap out of me. I don't mind being friendless, but I do mind raising my children in a police state.