Bending Over is Hard to Do, etc.

Have I told you lately how much I love you, dear readers? After so many long absences, you're still here! Thank you!

Yes, nearly six weeks have passed since my last post, but I have a very good excuse. A few days ago, my husband and I moved out of state. After months of waiting for his military orders, we finally received them about three weeks ago. My new home? Newport News, VA, about a seven hour drive from the military base in Charleston, SC. So in less than two weeks, I went to my last doctors' appointments, resigned from my beloved tutoring job, and helped my husband pack all of our possessions, clean the house, and shop for an apartment in VA--all while entering the third trimester of my pregnancy.

Did I really sign up for this? Really?

Needless to say, it's been a tough go. On the second day of apartment shopping, I ended up on my hands and knees barking up my stomach onto the beautifully manicured lawn of the Newport News Hilton Garden Inn where we were staying. Not a good day for me.

Fortunately, the rest of the move went smoothly enough, but I'm beginning to slow down even more than usual. Carrying around an extra 20 lbs. on my small frame isn't easy. I can barely bend down far enough to put on my socks, let alone see my feet when standing. My belly grows by the day now. I waddle everywhere I go. And my energy (as well as my ability to think clearly) comes and goes in alarming ways.

However, my biggest problem lately has been abdominal cramps. Too much walking or bending causes sudden dull pains to shoot through my abdomen, so I've been trying to rest whenever possible. I don't want to end up with a newborn in my arms before Thanksgiving. All I have in the nursery right now is a changing table and a bouncy seat!

Despite everything, though, I'm happier than I've been in a long while. Right now, my husband and I have a beautiful apartment in a quiet community where the leaves are just turning brilliant in the cool fall weather. I feel a bit more settled into my pregnancy despite occasional discomforts. And I'm sure the double dose of Prozac isn't hurting either. :-)

Next on the list: visit family in TN, inform my health insurance provider of my new address, procure a new OB, sign up for birthing classes, and write a birth plan. Hopefully, I'll find some time for blogging as well.

My Apologies

Please forgive me, dear readers, for my three week absence. The gray days sort of took over, and I got lost in the fog. Trying to organize my thoughts into something coherent seemed impossible and overwhelming. So I took a mental vacation. I'm not sure if I'm completely back, but I thought I would at least stop in and give you a little something from me.

Outside of my depression, life hasn't been too bad. I finally got over the daily puke-o'-rama and started working at my tutoring job again, which I love. I tutor at a military college, so most of my clients are young, polite, physically fit men. What red-blooded woman wouldn't love that? I've also taken up a new (and expensive) hobby of making jewelry. It's about the only activity that completely takes my mind off of my stress. However, I need to start selling some of my pieces if I hope to continue. Right now, I'm going broke trying to buy more beads.

I also found out at my big ultrasound that I'm having a boy! My husband and I are ecstatic. We're naming him after his grandfather, my husband's father, who passed away last year.

Inside my depression, life hasn't been so pretty. For the past three weeks, I've felt exhausted all the way down into my soul. Getting out of bed at any hour has been a struggle. I nearly cried myself to sleep more than once recently, and yesterday I was absolutely consumed by the thought that my baby was going to die. Fortunately, I also saw my psychiatrist yesterday, who said we should double my medication. I don't mind. Whatever helps. I can't function when I'm this far into the dark. Today, though, the clouds seem to be lifting.

Thanks for reading and understanding. I hope to be back again very soon.

Gray Days

Last week marked the one-year anniversary of my father-in-law's tragic death. I had planned to write a post in honor of his memory, but alas! I failed.

Today marks week 19 in my pregnancy. I was planning on writing about that, too, but I don't think I will.

I'm trapped within a series of gray days. I'm not sad or wandering around in the dark, but I feel...what's the modern term?..."meh." I haven't touched my Japanese language program in days. Kitchen floors in mud huts are cleaner than mine is right now. Laundry is piling up in the closet. And I still have yet to work on finishing my novel.

My OB asked me two weeks ago to get a blood test to check my thyroid; I finally had it done yesterday.

This morning, I lay in bed and thought about why I might be feeling this way. I concluded that I feel like I have no control over anything. Right now, I'm waiting to hear whether or not I'll be tutoring again this fall. (The college where I work is having budgeting problems.) My schedule upon return--if I return--will determine whether I will be able to go to TN in September to visit my parents. I'm also waiting to hear whether we'll be moving in October or staying in SC until January, as well as waiting to hear where we will be moving when the time comes.

In the meantime, I'm still battling through this pregnancy. Last week, I came down with a 36-hour stomach virus. I puked so much that I nearly ended up going to the ER. Thankfully, the baby is ok. I feel the little one moving and kicking away every day now. (The six-inch bugger is strong!) However, I'm still struggling to gain weight. At almost halfway through my pregnancy, I have gained less than 10 pounds. I stepped on the scale this morning and discovered that I've actually lost two pounds in the past couple of weeks.

At the same time, I've been experiencing fairly strong heart palpitations. I stopped by my OB's office yesterday to ask if I should be concerned about them, and she wrote me a referral to see a cardiologist. I'm currently waiting by the phone to find out when my appointment is. (I'm also thanking God right now that I have amazing health insurance through the Navy.)

In short, I'm waiting to receive information on how...or when, or if...my life is going to change. Until then, I'm just stuck in the endless gray fog of uncertainty, unable to move. Today I am a ship without a rudder, blown to and fro by the fickle winds of life, without a say in where I'm going. If it weren't for my doctors' appointments, I might not even know what day it is.

Stress sucks.